Happy Halloween-I think I was tricked

So Halloween night I text the prince. I get a couple of return texts and then silence again. End of the month is busy for him as it is for me as well so i get it. the more I think about it, he does have the stones be the ass I was thinking he was. He is being a man. We all know men are insane. Speaking of that...
Flyboy called me last week. I took photos of the first snow in our area and emailed them to him. he loved seeing the area. I was having the worst day and then he called. Like he knew I needed to laugh and smile for a bit. It just made the rest of day and week go so much better. It is so nice to have a friend like that. i miss it. I miss having those great friends in my life.

Where did Snow go???

Not far I assure you. Been a long couple of weeks actually. We got word from the city that we had to move our office by the end of the month so I have been coordinating that and actually put final touches on the move today. We actually moved EVERYTHING and EVERYONE today. It was a very long day, very hard day and I am so tired I can't even see to type. But I do have word on the prince.

I got an email saying that he lost his phone..:( How sad, but is it true? I honestly don't know what to think. he says he has been busy as well which i can understand. not that I am making excuses at all for him. I am actually trying to call him right now to see what happens. Will he answer??? Uhhhhh....NO I got voicemail. I don't seem to be as upset about it tonight. I have faith that he is there and I will see him again and something will come of it. The only thing that gets me is that my friend "Flyboy" was not available by email all week and I got an email today explaining it. This guy does not owe me any explanation but yet I get one, one I can believe. A week of training. He has a very important job in the military and a family so i am not a priority which I am fine with. That is as it should be, only I feel like he has taken the time to let me know he cares, is still there and that I am not an afterthought. That is what makes me mad about the prince. I am out of site out of mind. We have a very intense history and yet he does not think enough of me to let me know whats going on. he calls himself a train wreck. Has me thinking something is going on but that he is not telling me. Pisses me off!!

With all that has been going on and all that has not...grrr I have not had time to really blog like I wanted. I plan to try and do better. I really feel that doing this helps me deal with how I feel.

One last ride with the top down!!

Have you ever just had a a dream that you wanted to make reality so bad that you could actually taste it? I have this thought. One last ride with the top down. A road trip with the prince that would solidify us together. We were always great in the car. We listened to music and had a blast just being together. hanging out was so much fun. He was my best friend.

So I can clearly see this road trip in my head so much that I can feel the wind in my hair. Nothing like a drive to Florida with the top down. Chatting the whole was about everything and nothing. laughing so hard that you sides hurt. Getting to know each other again and learning that you still care so much. That you still feel like you know that person so well you can hear their thoughts.

This is how I feel. I was fine a month ago. going about my life content in the thought that I would be alone for the rest of my life and then bam! Like a mac truck i was hit with the thought that I don't have to spend the rest of my life alone. I can be with someone. Problem is I don't think that person wants to be with me. Is it the fact that I want to be with someone or do i want that someone. That guy that still makes me smile. The guy that still makes my heart feel warm and full. The guy that makes me cry daily because he is ignoring me. Did I do this to myself? Believe me I am not sitting here crying thinking I will not move forward. i will and I will see this guy but will he want to see me? that scares the hell out of me. What if I get on that plane, fly to him, and then he wants nothing to do with me. What do I do then? Do I crawl home hurt and remain alone forever or do I just smile and leave with my head held high and move forward. Right now I think I will just work to the goal of getting myself ready to get on that plane and fight for what I want.

I miss the sound of his voice so much. I miss his laugh and his smile and I have not seen him in 15 years but I can see it as clearly as it was yesterday. racing around in a red mustang and feeling like it would last forever. Problem is that it did not. i screwed it up and I can't change that. I can fight for the future though.

Not sure why I care

Have you ever wondered why you bother caring about someone that just does not seem to care about you? I sit here reading this as I type and I know how crazy I sound. I sit here waiting for a man that lives 3000 miles from me to text, to call, to give me some sign that he gives a damn about me. I am not a stupid woman. I used to believe in fairy tales but I have seen that they are not real. No man is going ride up on a white horse or a shiny motorcycle and save me from my life.

I sometimes wonder if he just thought he was getting on over on me. Maybe after what I did 15 years ago he thought it would be funny to hurt me. I guess he and his friends are having a big laugh at this one.

Am I to feel like I lost the love of my life forever? I know people say that you will go on meet someone new and all that jazz but I don't want that. I want the guy that I gave up 15 years ago. i miss the man that made me happy. The guy that made me smile and laugh and brought so much into my life. he taught me how to love and how to be. I can't go a single day without doing something because he taught me how. i drive a 5-speed because he taught me how.

On my knees I will ask, one last chance for one last dance. One last dance would be amazing. I am planning for one more dance. No last to it at all. I am going to see this guy again. I am going to get my happy ending, my fairy tale kiss.

Just one chance, just one breath, just in case there is just one left. There is one left. I just have to keep believing that it will happen. I have work to do on myself before I can work on the us I am after. Time for me to rethink this.

If I have this time where I am being left out in the cold I can use it to my advantage. I can keep dreaming and work towards my goal. Wow, I have a new goal now. Time to get back on track and get my mojo back. Yes Snow White is back!! Snow believes life will be a fairy tale again. I might even go as far as to find the toad and tell him how I forgive him for hurting me and that I am sorry I hurt him as well. The toad and I were just wrong from the word go. It was all sideways. I want to get myself on track and I know I can do this.

Snow is finding her groove again.

This time I wonder???

Dreams are just not enough.. When your young and you read the fairy tales where the handsome prince saves the princess, you dream that your life will be like that. That you will find that one person to make your dreams come true. Problem with that is that sometimes the princess has to make her own dreams come true and then find the prince she deserves.

I think every woman deserves happiness. But you can't wait on a man to give it to you. Mostly, because men just are not reliable. Men don't get that women need to be told they care, shown they are worthy of our love and trust. My friend "flyboy" tells me he tells his wife that he loves her and sometimes she has trouble believing that he is being honest. I told him that he has to tell her daily, show her how he feels, not just expect her to know. We don't read minds. Guys, no matter what you think we don't have powers like that. We can burn you with a look but we can't read your minds. Primareilly this is because a man does not think with the head on his shoulders and well we can't see through your pants to get to the brain.

So if you can't tell by reading this post, the prince is not really back in the picture. he popped in said Hi and vanished again. I am upset bu not complely gone like I was 18 days ago. I am pissed this time. I am motivated to make him regret ever causing me a moment of unhappiness.

In a land far far away, there lives a prince who went on holiday only to come back and not care that he left the best thing that ever happened to him alone and hurt. will I ever let him read this blog? Not sure. You ask, do I tell him how I feel, well I would if he would give me the chance. Right now I am thinking that he does not care how I feel. That is not a great feeling.

There has got to be someone to understand this. Someone to say "Snow, your insane." I think mainly these ramblings are just my way of trying to stay sane. I I sat and thought about all of this I would go nuts. So I am not sitting and thinking. I am acting. I am going to go about my life like nothing is wrong. that I don't cry myself to sleep because the one person i thought would never do this to me has after all let me down. Is it because of the past? Is it because of me now? Am I not worthy of love?

Snow White got her groove back!

18 days with nothing and I got used to it. Now there has been texts but no real content. I still don't have the answer I wanted and I am confused. But..I have my groove back. My groove is the motivation to get through the hurdles I need to so that I can do the things I need to... that I want to. I have been challenged to do things by Flyboy and I am hell bent on doing them. Whether the Prince or someone else gets the benefit I guess only time will tell but for now I am going to work hard and get what I want.

Found a great new song by Nickelback

Gotta Be Somebody- Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
Lookin´ for that diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.


Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.


I think this is Snows new motto.

18 Days Later

I get a text. "I was away at the beach, no cell service, thinking of you."

What the hell do I say to that? Do I let it go and see what happens? DO I get mad and possessive and fight him about it? Do I make him wish he had kept in touch??? Damn Skippy!! common courtesy would say he should have told me he would be out of touch. So I say use abuse and make him think next time. I don't want to be any one's afterthought. I know someone who takes more time to be kind and he is unavailable to me. I just am still in shock. We texted a few times tonight and it seemed as if I was not an afterthought but one can never be too careful.

I just don't know what to make of this. Maybe if I wait for more word on what happened it will become clearer.

Wow 18 days, I think I might need a drink.

Knock me over with a feather why don't cha....

Knock me over with a feather why don't cha....

16 Days have passed and still no word. I have not texted called or really even worried about it. However that's not the focus of this post.

This post is about how the day went. I worked, typical monday-crazy insane work. I was sitting at my desk going over paperwork and the phone rang. My co-workers were talking so I was kind enough to grab the call. Turns out it was for me. The voice said is this Snow, Snow White? I said yes it is, That is when it hit me who was on the other end. I think my face turned about as red as a beet and I melted to the chair. It was flyboy.

Now up until now we have only emailed back and forth and had a great time doing so.

Well today I sent an email to him asking a question regarding his field of employment. I was curious to know something and thought he was the best source for information. Instead of emailing me, curiosity sent him to the telephone to call me. I sat there listening to this voice. A voice that took me back 20 years to being in high school and being that shy scared girl I was. Only now I am older, shouldn't I be able to form words? Not today. I sat there listening to him speak and thought, this has to be a dream, a joke even. I managed to say, "Oh my Gosh I just figured out who this was".

He laughed and we talked for about 30 minutes about the question I had that led him to being very curious about the situation. We talked about high school and our town and how crazy it was living in this area. We talked about places we had been and things we had done and seen. It was the best 30 minutes of my day. It sort of makes the last 16 days the prince has been out of the picture a very distant memory. He talked about other emails we had between us and remembered things that I did not. He remembered what I wore the last time we spoke. What guy remembers those things?? A very sweet decent one, that's what.

I sit here thinking about how crazy my day was and then this last hour has just blown my mind. He said he would call again and we could catch up. I should also be getting more photos of this dear old friend soon.

I started this post right after the phone call and it is now 5 hours later and I am still in shock. The best kind of shock. I never thought he would call me. I had hoped to be able to speak to him again but for him to actually take the time out of his busy day and reach out to me has touched me so very much. Not many people would even bother after 20 years.

So tonight this Snow White is feeling a little bit like a princess again. Thanks to a very sweet guy in uniform.

Twin Toy??

Day 12 and nothing. Texted and nothing. guess I am invisible again.

Why can’t you see me
Do I really even matter
You changed me completely
And I remember how it used to be
I got question what’s the lesson
I’m tired of being confused and I’m
I’m gonna take my chance and fly
I’m taking back my life

Wow these lyrics from Jennifer Hudson say it all. I am done with being invisible. It is my time. My time to shine.

Is that a plane overhead?

Day 11-What do you think? Zip!! I am still fighting the urge to text him again because it just makes me crazy that he will not even bother to respond. I guess it is beneith him now.

Had another great day. Nothing big or huge happened just a good day at work and I am ready for bed now.

Snow's got a brand new bag!

Day 10-Still nada. I keep thinking that I should send a nasty text but then it would just go unnoticed as well. Let me tell you about my day.

Typical Monday in my kingdom with lots to do. Fortunately, I get great email relief during the day. Comic relief from "Flyboy". he always makes me laugh. Today was no exception. Today we chatted about an idea I have been tossing around and it led me to a decision.

I thought for a long time I was unworthy but you know I am worth someones time. I want to prove to myself I have gumption. I am going to get myself in the shape I want to be in and then I am going to document that shape with photos. I am going to send those photos to the prince and say guess what you have been missing. Might not matter to him one bit but for me to get up the courage to do this is huge for me. For me to tell someone I am doing this is even bigger. And for me to actually do this is my equivalent of jumping out of a plane. Taking the big leap and putting myself out there is so huge for me. I have always been a shy withdrawn person. I can't wait to take this journey and I am bringing my blog along for the ride. I don't care if anyone reads it but me. I plan to document my progress and then the visible results as well. No holding back this time. The fact I am taking those journey and also bringing "flyboy" along with me as my courage builder is big. He was there when i was so shy and so withdrawn that I could not even speak to him.

I have never felt worthy..Today I do!!

Greys Anatomy

Ok So I watch this tv show. I also hate Merideth. But last night she actually said something that was right on

"Whoever invented the phrase Happily Ever After, needs their ass kicked so hard"

Could not be more true.

Cinderella and the ball from hell!!

Day 8 & 9 came and went without a word. No tears just utter sadness at the fact that this prince has rivaled the toad in utter stupidity. Do they think women have no feelings? Myst. I used to tell this prince that he could turn it on and off like a water faucet and well he turned it off so fast my head spun.

Ran into an old friend yesterday. He has married and has a family. A 15 year old son. I am sure that this son will be like the guy I knew. Young full of life and carefree abandon. He told me of our other friends and how they too have grown up and had children and marriages and have settled down. So hard to believe. These were the wildest people I know. I am not talking party wild I am talking wild. Crazy do anything they wanted and were some of the nicest people I had ever met. They hung with a crowd called Goths. Now I had moved to this town and was introduced to this lifestyle. Tongue piercings and tattoos all over. Long hair, no hair, pink hair. No mater what I think that society judged them for the looks and never took the time to get to know the people. I did. I took nasty fall and broken my ankle and you know what these people did, they took me in and helped me when I thought I was alone. they became my family. My friends that taught me acceptance and tolerance. They were the ones I counted on and I made sure they all knew they could count on me as well. That's what people should do for each other. We all lost touch after the job I was hired to do in that town was over. The two people that moved me into their home after my accident got married, moved away and had 3 daughters. My twin as I call her married a looser and had a beautiful daughter. The guys we all loved to love and adore married and had children. So now the crowd to be has children that I hope they will pass on that acceptance and tolerance to them They can be the new fun gang that some girl who is looking for a group to belong to, to fit in with, will find this gang and they will make her life as full and as adventuress as this wonderful crowd made mine. I will uploading photos of this gang during those times very soon.

I sit here thinking that I am trying to relive the past because I hate the fact that I am alone in the future but you know you can go home. You can look back on yesterday and smile and reconnect with those old dear friends that make your life what it is today. i would not be who I am without all of these wonderful people. I would not be who I am without the toads and weasels of the world either. But for every toad there is at least 5 amazing rabbits in the world.

New Day-New Attitude

Day 7 and Snow White has a brand new plan. Forget waiting in the castle to be saved by the prince. I think this princess is going to make her own destiny. I started this blog because I was hurt and angry and sad. Now I am a little stronger. I think I will chart that progress. Don't worry the prince is still a part of the story only he may not know it just yet. The toads are all gone from my life and flyboy is still forever present making me laugh so hard I get stomach cramps. All in all my life is filling up again with plans and thoughts of a positive nature. I was told one to get my body the way I wanted it and then use and abuse the prince. That is the plan. Not sure about the use and abuse but I will see him again and I will find out why I was tossed aside. Only now it is a challenge. Now I am ready to move forward with my journey. I am going to charge forward with my goals and set my plan in motion.

First goal. Get the castle in order. I will feel better when I get that done tomorrow. After all tomorrow is another day.

Happy Birthday???

Day 6 passed without a single word and Day 6 begins with a text saying Happy Birthday. Today is not my birthday. I have been mistaken for someone else. Again I feel less than enough. The Price won't answer the phone. I called twice and nothing. The man is ignoring me. and if I could just be told whether or not he had turned into a jerk or just so busy. I am busy but I still manage time to obsess about this guy. I mean come on what is the deal??

I feel like I am invisible

Day 5 and still no call no text, no nothing. Snow White is feeling like maybe she is Sleeping Beauty. Maybe I feel asleep and that's why I can't get in touch with this prince. Guess I will have to keep hoping for the best.

Talk me Down!!

Someone talk me down. day 4 and I am feeling the need to reach out and touch someone so bad I can taste it. No one here to talk me off the ledge. I sent the prince a message, will he reply this time? I just don't see why he can't either say go fly a kite or sorry been busy, whatever it is I think i need to know. I think I deserve to know. Maybe I will wait and see if he replies and if not in a couple of hours I may just pick up the phone and reach out and strangle him.

So far no message. I seem like a desperate freak. he has turned me into a desperate freak. OMG what to do. Tell that fairy godmother to turn him into a door mat so i can stomp all over him.

So I guess by Day 4 I start getting mad about it. I feel hurt and angry now. No longer sad, at least not today. Just hurt and feel so mad. I had planned to visit him in the summer of 2009. I still want to. i don't want another 15 years to go by and me not get to see this person. Not get to tell him how I feel. That I am sorry for hurting him years ago. Is this payback for that? Time alone with your thoughts can make you dangerous.

What else is going on in the world these days? Gas prices, gas shortage. Waited in line today for 1 hour. 1 hour to think about why I was being ignored. Damn it! I can't function til I know what the hell is going on.

Snow White-Fair princess that is to be loved and adored. More like ignored and left in pain. Fairy tales make us think that a guy will come and sweep us off our feet and make our lonely sad worlds better. Not true. There is no prince charming, no white knight on a horse coming to save the day. Only men that treat women like they don't matter. That we are not good enough for them. We can't fit in between work, friends, football or whatever else they think they have that is more important. I have a job, I work long hard hours, I have friends, still I make time for someone and I am left to feel less than nothing. Left to feel like I was used and abused. My friend "flyboy" said I should use and abuse this guy. Truth is right now I would do just that to give him a small taste of how I feel. But I don't think i could. I would take one look at him and be lost in his blue eyes.

Maybe someday he will read this and see that I care. see that I am not without feelings. Until then i will continue to blog daily as to how I feel and maybe one day i will be able to look back at this and laugh. Right now I just want to cry.

Toads, Beetles, and Whales..Oh My!

Day 3 and so far no word from Prince Charming. On a day where I am likely to go home and cry it would be great to get a single text saying HI. But alas, nothing comes my way and I am forced to continue to wonder what I did wrong.

You read magazines and they say that he is just not interested. I don't believe that. Maybe I am being naive but I would like to this that this person is a lot like they prince I remember him to be. Smart, funny, and very sweet and honest. He was never the kind of guy to just bail on anyone like this. See my problem, I am torn between seeing this amazing prince to seeing him become a toad before my eyes.

Through all of this I have found another old friend that has made me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts. I could not get though this without his humor. You may ask why don't I ditch this prince for this guy. Well this person is unattainable. He is taken and I can't do a thing about it. besides, he is not the prince charming in this story.

Did the Queen Put the Prince to Sleep??

Day 2-Not a word last night from Prince Charming. I sat there last night thinking about why this is happening. Did he not like something I said? Did I send the wrong photo? So many things have ran through my mind as to why this guy has acted this way and I am full of ideas from bad to worse. Then I thought, it is not my fault, it is all him. He is the one missing out on me. I have been told that I need to find my gumption and get some attitude about it. Easier said than done. When you love someone you let all the reasons that they don't want you cloud the reasons they might. Am I no longer good enough? Stop it!! See if I keep letting these bad thoughts cloud my mind, I will keep feeling like I am not worthy of this person when deep down I know I am.

I heard a new song the other day by Taylor Swift, Love Story. It got me to thinking. Romeo and Juliet. Were they really in love and if so did they have to die? If they were not in love then was it just rebellion against their families. In high school I loved Shakespeare. I could quote Romeo and Juliet at the drop of a hat. Now as I have gotten older it seems to fade. However...I still remember wanting to feel that kind of love..The kind that makes you feel as if you can fly. I think i feel that again only someone is holding m wings down a little too tight.

What a month!

My name is Snow. I need therapy! I thought the best way to get some was for me to blog about my life and what is in my head from day to day. So I was thinking today, what happened to all the fairy tails in the world. Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty. Found Prince Charming and All of these ladies got their happily ever after. Well in a land far far away called real life, we are not so lucky. Prince Charming is not charming, he is a real jerk!

So a little background on the reason this blog has came to be.

Many many years ago in a time far away there was a girl who met a great boy. She was so young and did not realize that this was the one, her Prince Charming. Well she dumped the prince for the toad that came along promising love ever after. That toad treated Snow like dirt. He eventually dumped Snow and went to treat her not only like dirt but a doormat that he could wipe his feet on when he wanted. Snow found the Prince who seemed to have moved on now and was happy. Snow fled the land to clear her head and find that mirror that seems to have lied to her many times now. She found solace in NY with many wonderful people that told her she was worth loving.

Snow, still believing the Toad left the city to return to the land that left her broken. Prince Charming was gone. He had left the land with another princess and Snow thought she would never see him again. even more broken Snow wandered the land for many years alone and just trying to find a purpose in life.

Some 15 years later with the aid of the internet (who needs that mean magic mirror anymore) the Prince found Snow and made her smile for the first time in years. Things seemed fine and snow found herself happy. People around thought they saw a change in Snow that was so wonderful. Snow realized how much of a mistake she made all those years ago. that her heart had never healed completely because this Prince still had the key. But something happened. Snow found herself alone, seems the Prince did not want Snow around as much as she thought. Was it a cruel trick on Snow for what she had done to him so many years ago, was the Prince just as bad as the Toad now? No one is sure..

So this fairy tale stands unfinished. I sit here wondering what happened to this prince and why in the world I am beating myself against a brick wall once again to get attention. Are all men jerks? I don't want to believe it. I miss this guy more than I can say and I guess being that we are many miles apart does not help but why does it have to be this way? Why can't he just tell me to either back off and go away or I don't know.. that he is just not interested.

Why do men find he need to jerk women around. It has happened for years. Women do it to men as well. It is not one sided. No one says what they mean anymore. You can't just tell someone how you feel whether it is good or bad. games have to be played and hearts get broken for no reason.

I put my heart on a shelf long ago and I thought I could take it down and dust it off...I was wrong. I am hoping that this blog will help me figure out just what I did wrong. I don't think i did anything wrong really. I just think that maybe I need a plane ticket to find out. What would he do if I show up on his doorstep one day...heart in my hand..offering it to him with all the love it has to give..who knows. But folks..that is the plan. I am working to that end. I am not giving up on this guy no matter what he may think.. So be warned fair Prince Charming. This Snow White is not going down without a fight..or at least an answer to this riddle.