I did it again!

As much as I would like to say it has been a fantastic year and that my life has really been wonderful. I can not. Life sucks even more if at all possible.

My father has left my mother after 33 years of marriage. I can't believe that. He just moved out saying he was in love with another woman. As long as my mother is ok that is all that matters to me regarding this.

Found my biological father on facebook of all places. On Facebook. Man has never contacted me once and I am 38 years old.

Brings me to my birthday this year. As in previous posts you have seen that my birthdays tend to lean to the non existent time of nothing. No event, no fun, no man. This year was way different.

I met a guy, a great guy. He took me away for an overnight and it was basically a celebration of both of our days since his is so close to mine. Now this was a wonderful night full of fun and laughter and well...you can guess. This birthday did not such. Most of all he called on my birthday to tell me Happy Birthday. That is really all I have ever wanted. Someone to say Hi, glad you exist. This made this year wonderful.

Now as I have said in the past, I don't believe in a price and I don't think someone will sweep me off my feet and ride me off into the sunset. I don't believe in love or romance or anything remotely similar to that. What I do believe in is the need to have a companion in your life. Someone to have fun with, someone to talk to and to share time with. Not someone to get mushy with.

Now this guy dumps me on Sat saying he has commitment issues and give me the it's not you it's me speech. Oh not a speech excuse me, in an email. I don't even rank a phone call. however, I am a terrific person.

So my question is how do I deal. I email him with my theory of not hurt just sad because I like hanging with him and there is such a thing as friends with benefits..LOL

Do guys seem to have something that always says a girl can not just be in it for the fun and thrill? I mean I just don't get it. I am different. I don't want someone to take care of me and provide for me and all that crap. I just want someone to want to be around me. Is that so hard to get?

I am off to stew in this some more but I think that at least this time I got a word of what was going on. I am not suck in limbo with this one.

Julie/Julia Project

I watched this movie today and was inspired. Not to try this out myself..cooking my way through the book but to actually do something that might make me happy. What I got from Julie Powell was that she did something that she enjoyed and learned so much by doing it. I have not figured out what I want to try but I do know it will have a timeline and deadline and I will be happy.

I started this blog to tell everyone about relationship that did not even get a change. He bailed and has not called me in over a year. I have come to realize that it was a waste of my time. I have more to do and more to say that what the "prince" of a guy was like. NO WONDER NO ONE READ MY BLOG..YUCK!

Stay tuned...life is beginning. I give myself til Jan 1 to come up with my task.

P.S. I will be cooking that stew that looked so good but a lobster scares me so I won't be murdering those. Julie, that is all you girl!

New Year, New Thoughts and Feelings

Well last year was just horrid. The prince just bailed on me. I mean he had to have been turned into a frog by the evil queen because he just vanished into thin air. The year ended with a hospital stay for my mother and a lot of stress for me. I am so glad it is all working out now. Not the prince but my mom.

So I thought I don't care if the prince ever comes back after this. He bailed and left me to fend for my self. Not a word, not a sorry or a kiss my butt! No more tears for this princess.

New year, it will bring new blessings and I am sure new adventures. Stay tuned!

Happy Halloween-I think I was tricked

So Halloween night I text the prince. I get a couple of return texts and then silence again. End of the month is busy for him as it is for me as well so i get it. the more I think about it, he does have the stones be the ass I was thinking he was. He is being a man. We all know men are insane. Speaking of that...
Flyboy called me last week. I took photos of the first snow in our area and emailed them to him. he loved seeing the area. I was having the worst day and then he called. Like he knew I needed to laugh and smile for a bit. It just made the rest of day and week go so much better. It is so nice to have a friend like that. i miss it. I miss having those great friends in my life.

Where did Snow go???

Not far I assure you. Been a long couple of weeks actually. We got word from the city that we had to move our office by the end of the month so I have been coordinating that and actually put final touches on the move today. We actually moved EVERYTHING and EVERYONE today. It was a very long day, very hard day and I am so tired I can't even see to type. But I do have word on the prince.

I got an email saying that he lost his phone..:( How sad, but is it true? I honestly don't know what to think. he says he has been busy as well which i can understand. not that I am making excuses at all for him. I am actually trying to call him right now to see what happens. Will he answer??? Uhhhhh....NO I got voicemail. I don't seem to be as upset about it tonight. I have faith that he is there and I will see him again and something will come of it. The only thing that gets me is that my friend "Flyboy" was not available by email all week and I got an email today explaining it. This guy does not owe me any explanation but yet I get one, one I can believe. A week of training. He has a very important job in the military and a family so i am not a priority which I am fine with. That is as it should be, only I feel like he has taken the time to let me know he cares, is still there and that I am not an afterthought. That is what makes me mad about the prince. I am out of site out of mind. We have a very intense history and yet he does not think enough of me to let me know whats going on. he calls himself a train wreck. Has me thinking something is going on but that he is not telling me. Pisses me off!!

With all that has been going on and all that has not...grrr I have not had time to really blog like I wanted. I plan to try and do better. I really feel that doing this helps me deal with how I feel.

One last ride with the top down!!

Have you ever just had a a dream that you wanted to make reality so bad that you could actually taste it? I have this thought. One last ride with the top down. A road trip with the prince that would solidify us together. We were always great in the car. We listened to music and had a blast just being together. hanging out was so much fun. He was my best friend.

So I can clearly see this road trip in my head so much that I can feel the wind in my hair. Nothing like a drive to Florida with the top down. Chatting the whole was about everything and nothing. laughing so hard that you sides hurt. Getting to know each other again and learning that you still care so much. That you still feel like you know that person so well you can hear their thoughts.

This is how I feel. I was fine a month ago. going about my life content in the thought that I would be alone for the rest of my life and then bam! Like a mac truck i was hit with the thought that I don't have to spend the rest of my life alone. I can be with someone. Problem is I don't think that person wants to be with me. Is it the fact that I want to be with someone or do i want that someone. That guy that still makes me smile. The guy that still makes my heart feel warm and full. The guy that makes me cry daily because he is ignoring me. Did I do this to myself? Believe me I am not sitting here crying thinking I will not move forward. i will and I will see this guy but will he want to see me? that scares the hell out of me. What if I get on that plane, fly to him, and then he wants nothing to do with me. What do I do then? Do I crawl home hurt and remain alone forever or do I just smile and leave with my head held high and move forward. Right now I think I will just work to the goal of getting myself ready to get on that plane and fight for what I want.

I miss the sound of his voice so much. I miss his laugh and his smile and I have not seen him in 15 years but I can see it as clearly as it was yesterday. racing around in a red mustang and feeling like it would last forever. Problem is that it did not. i screwed it up and I can't change that. I can fight for the future though.

Not sure why I care

Have you ever wondered why you bother caring about someone that just does not seem to care about you? I sit here reading this as I type and I know how crazy I sound. I sit here waiting for a man that lives 3000 miles from me to text, to call, to give me some sign that he gives a damn about me. I am not a stupid woman. I used to believe in fairy tales but I have seen that they are not real. No man is going ride up on a white horse or a shiny motorcycle and save me from my life.

I sometimes wonder if he just thought he was getting on over on me. Maybe after what I did 15 years ago he thought it would be funny to hurt me. I guess he and his friends are having a big laugh at this one.

Am I to feel like I lost the love of my life forever? I know people say that you will go on meet someone new and all that jazz but I don't want that. I want the guy that I gave up 15 years ago. i miss the man that made me happy. The guy that made me smile and laugh and brought so much into my life. he taught me how to love and how to be. I can't go a single day without doing something because he taught me how. i drive a 5-speed because he taught me how.

On my knees I will ask, one last chance for one last dance. One last dance would be amazing. I am planning for one more dance. No last to it at all. I am going to see this guy again. I am going to get my happy ending, my fairy tale kiss.

Just one chance, just one breath, just in case there is just one left. There is one left. I just have to keep believing that it will happen. I have work to do on myself before I can work on the us I am after. Time for me to rethink this.

If I have this time where I am being left out in the cold I can use it to my advantage. I can keep dreaming and work towards my goal. Wow, I have a new goal now. Time to get back on track and get my mojo back. Yes Snow White is back!! Snow believes life will be a fairy tale again. I might even go as far as to find the toad and tell him how I forgive him for hurting me and that I am sorry I hurt him as well. The toad and I were just wrong from the word go. It was all sideways. I want to get myself on track and I know I can do this.

Snow is finding her groove again.