One last ride with the top down!!

Have you ever just had a a dream that you wanted to make reality so bad that you could actually taste it? I have this thought. One last ride with the top down. A road trip with the prince that would solidify us together. We were always great in the car. We listened to music and had a blast just being together. hanging out was so much fun. He was my best friend.

So I can clearly see this road trip in my head so much that I can feel the wind in my hair. Nothing like a drive to Florida with the top down. Chatting the whole was about everything and nothing. laughing so hard that you sides hurt. Getting to know each other again and learning that you still care so much. That you still feel like you know that person so well you can hear their thoughts.

This is how I feel. I was fine a month ago. going about my life content in the thought that I would be alone for the rest of my life and then bam! Like a mac truck i was hit with the thought that I don't have to spend the rest of my life alone. I can be with someone. Problem is I don't think that person wants to be with me. Is it the fact that I want to be with someone or do i want that someone. That guy that still makes me smile. The guy that still makes my heart feel warm and full. The guy that makes me cry daily because he is ignoring me. Did I do this to myself? Believe me I am not sitting here crying thinking I will not move forward. i will and I will see this guy but will he want to see me? that scares the hell out of me. What if I get on that plane, fly to him, and then he wants nothing to do with me. What do I do then? Do I crawl home hurt and remain alone forever or do I just smile and leave with my head held high and move forward. Right now I think I will just work to the goal of getting myself ready to get on that plane and fight for what I want.

I miss the sound of his voice so much. I miss his laugh and his smile and I have not seen him in 15 years but I can see it as clearly as it was yesterday. racing around in a red mustang and feeling like it would last forever. Problem is that it did not. i screwed it up and I can't change that. I can fight for the future though.